


sleepless routine

by twinklyhowell



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Mild Language, Non-Graphic Violence, contains gay slurs, probably just a bunch of drabbles strung together tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-12
Updated: 2015-04-12
Packaged: 2018-03-22 12:27:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3728908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twinklyhowell/pseuds/twinklyhowell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>phil turns to late nights and bottles of vodka to drown away the thoughts of dan standing before him, with cracked lips and soft cheeks, batting his eyelashes irresistibly. dan’s concern for phil becomes deeper and more affectionate as he begins to realise how much he’s fallen for phil and his lanky figure, and behind his rich blue eyes he sees that phil seems to be hurting. dan doesn’t know why phil is acting like such, but he knows that he’s going to do whatever he can to get it out of him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	sleepless routine

**Author's Note:**

> so this is the first official fic i've ever posted, i've done a few on tumblr and requests on twitter but nothing ever really official so here goes nothing, hope you enjoy, and let me know if this is good enough to want more thanks :))))

Dan paced back and forth in the lounge room, eyes darting from his phone to the clock on the wall, almost as if to the beat of a drum. The room was dead silent except for the squeak of Dan’s sneakers against the wooden floor.

_3:47AM._

_Fuck,_ Dan began mumbling to himself. _Phil has never come home this late before._ To follow with routine, he looked up at the clock. No change. The rumbling of cars bustling past this late in the morning was enough to keep Dan sat by the window until he inevitably passed out from exhaustion.

 

* * *

 

 

As Dan slowly opened his eyes to adjust to the brightness of the morning sun, he glanced at the clock.

_10:32AM._

He heard the rustling of a cereal box, and swiftly jumped up to look in the kitchen. There stood Phil, with his messy, rich, black bed hair, glasses that framed his deep blue eyes, and pale white skin that glistened from the sunlight that reached through the window. Dan was taken aback by how incredibly beautiful Phil looked standing there before him, but he quickly snapped out of his trance when he remembered the reason as to why he stormed to see him in the first place.

“Where the hell were you last night?” Dan said tensely. He began to fidget his thumbs against his stomach, while Phil remained motionless. “Phil!” Dan raised his voice.

“I was out,” Phil trailed off.

“I was troubled sick over you!” Dan began to argue. “I came out of my bedroom to find you gone. You didn’t return any of my texts, or pick up any of my phone calls. You couldn’t even be fucked to leave a god damn note on the table or knock on my door or anything! I thought you had fucked off and left me!” The words rushed out of his mouth like a waterfall at its peak. Phil gazed at Dan’s striking chocolate brown eyes, and saw the glimmer of pain hidden behind them. Phil tried his hardest not to show emotion, and simply turned his head away.

“Phil!” Dan’s voice cracked. “Stop doing this!” Phil looked at Dan and gently rolled his eyes. Dan sat on the stool opposite the kitchen bench Phil stood at. He rested his chin against the palms of his hands, and let out a deep and tender sigh. “You must think I’m pretty pathetic,” Dan’s voice sounded reluctant to continue, but Phil maintained his stubborn appearance by firmly resting his lower back against the chilled kitchen top.

“Stop fucking around.” Phil turned to face Dan, who was fixing a misplaced piece of fringe out of eye sight. “Don’t you dare act like a child, you’re supposed to be the older of the two of us and yet you’re dicking around and disappearing every night without a trace. You don’t tell me where you’re going or how long you’ll be away, and it really fucking sucks Phil, what are you hiding from me?” Phil brushed his thumb against the bruises along his wrists, out of sight of Dan.

 _What am I doing?_ He thought to himself. _The more he talks like this the worse I feel._

“Glad to see I can’t even get a proper response from my so called best friend.” Dan’s voice became blunt. “You know what? Forget it. Forget that I sacrifice my time and energy to help you just for you to give me a cold shoulder.” Dan stood up sternly and grabbed a pen and tore a piece of paper out of the notebook sitting next to the kettle. He began to scribble down a few words before grabbing Phil’s hand, which seemed to be clammy, and clenched his fist leaving the note rested in Phil’s hand. He grabbed his coat which hung on the back of the door handle and stormed out, slamming the door behind him. Phil unravelled the note carefully, taking notice to how softly Dan folded the paper.  
  
_I’m going out. I’ll be back by 3PM.You’re welcome._

_Love, Dan x_

Phil’s heart sank down deep into his chest and his back slid against the wall as he collapsed to the floor. He rolled up his pyjama pants to aid the fresh cuts along his legs and ankles that seemed to call out his name. Last night was an absolute mess. Phil had never been so blindly drunk in what seemed like years. He saw visions of himself stumbling down the alley, tripping over bottles and landing on broken shards of glass. The bruises on his arms were swollen up and even the slightest touch brought shivers to Phil’s spine. He distinctly felt the grip of the men he’d unluckily ran into after exiting the bar this morning at 3AM. He let out an aspirated groan, and tears began to fall into a pool on the tiled floor.

 

* * *

 

Phil heard the apartment door unlock downstairs, and the mumbles of Dan attempting to remove his jacket and hang it on the coat rack before fumbling up the stairway. Phil sat at the couch in the lounge room, browsing through emails on his laptop. He had gotten changed out his pyjama clothes into a pale blue button up top and black skinny jeans, that Dan had always thought suited his legs perfectly. Dan came and sat next to Phil, laying a hand to rest on Phil’s thigh.

“Hey,” Dan said wearily. “I bought you some things.” Dan lifted up the bag and handed it to Phil.

“Why?” Phil mumbled.

“I don’t know really, I saw them in the store and thought of you. It was a compulsive buy,” he let out a light muffle of a laugh.

“Thanks Dan,” Phil said, looking into Dan’s chocolate eyes, and he felt his heart skip a beat. He took the items out of the bag, slowly examining each one, and he was especially intrigued by a small keychain. “Hey, it’s my birthstone!” A grin began to carve its way across Phil’s face. He wrapped his arms around Dan’s neck and brought him in close for a hug. “Thank you!”

“I’m glad you like it,” Dan replied, smiling. “Now, uh, i think we should talk?”

Phil nodded, but it took a while for the words to escape his mouth.

_Dan, I don’t really know how to say this to you.  I’ve been ignoring this feeling for months now, because I’ve been afraid of what you’d think of me. But I can’t stop thinking about you. You’re so incredibly charming and every time we speak lately I find myself feeling this sense of excitement I felt the first time we met. I think I’m in love with you._

 

“I’m sorry about how I’ve been acting,” Phil began. _Don’t give too much away._ “I just didn’t want to burden you with how I feel right now.” His voice trailed off, and Dan clutched his hand and clasped it tightly. _Don’t do this Dan. Don’t treat me like this._ “Something’s been troubling me lately, and I don’t really have anyone to turn to.” Dan squeezed his hand tighter, placing his free arm around Phil’s shoulders, bringing his head close to Dan’s chest. “So, that’s why I-“

Phil was cut off by Dan’s forgiving voice. “I understand.” Phil glanced up at Dan, who was brushing his fingers through his messy, windblown hair. Phil had to stop himself from moaning when he noticed Dan was haphazardly biting his lip, but he hastily looked away to evade any more awkward moments. 

 

* * *

 

It’d been almost a week since Phil went out for drinks alone. Dan was out for dinner with Zoe and Louise, and Phil decided not to go since he felt as though he was getting a cold. He checked the clock.

8:49PM.

Surely Dan wouldn’t be worried if Phil went out for a couple drinks tonight. They’d spent the past few days playing video games, planning ideas for videos, and cuddling in the spare time between.  Phil grabbed his leather jacket from his closet and shut his bedroom door behind him. He peeked into Dan’s room as he left the light on. As Phil went to turn it off, he couldn’t help but notice how Dan’s bed looked almost untouched, as if Dan hadn’t been sleeping there in weeks. Granted, Dan joined him on the couch last night as they fell asleep after staying awake until 5AM watching anime movies and cuddling. Then he remembered sneaking into the apartment at 4AM last week to see Dan sprawled on the lounge floor passed out. Phil swallowed the saliva that had built up in his throat before turning the light off and walking downstairs, locking the apartment door behind him. This time he left a note.

_My mind is cloudy at the moment. Went out for a couple of drinks by myself. Should be home by midnight. I’ll take care of myself. Phil xx_

Dan held the note in his hands before scrunching it up and checking his phone once more. No new messages. He stared at the clock.

1:25AM.

Dan slumped himself on the stairs by the apartment entrance, tapping his feet in a rhythmic pattern. He began to rest his head against the wall when he heard the doorknob rustle. Dan didn’t even hesitate to wait for Phil to enter by himself. He leapt down the stairs, 3 at a time, almost rolling his ankle on the last landing, and swung the door open. Phil stood in the doorway in utter shock. Dan grabbed Phil’s shirt by the collar and tangled it around his wrist, before pulling Phil close to him. He wrapped his free hand within Phil’s hair, and used his foot to close the door behind him. He pressed Phil against the wall roughly, and held his hands above his head so Phil wasn’t able to struggle. He placed rough kisses along Phil’s neck and along his jawline, before reaching Phil’s soft lips. He traced his thumb along them before holding Phil’s chin in his hand, making sure that Phil maintained eye contact with him.

“Where the fuck have you been? You’re late.” Phil said nothing. He just gazed into dan’s eyes in despair, pleading to be released. Dan brushed his lips against phil’s, teasing  him, because pressing them against phil’s softly, while moving his hand from phil’s shirt to the back of his neck, tugging firmly at his hair. Dan could taste the bitterness of vodka and beer that phil had downed earlier that night, and before Dan took things further, he let go of Phil.

Phil stood frozen. His eyes darted to his arms, which were covered in more bruises and cuts than last week. Dan clutched Phil’s arm and flailed it in the air.

“What is this?” he prompted, slightly aggressive, but there was also a hint of despair and compassion that made its way through the cracks in his voice.

“Just a few scratches.”

 

* * *

 

Dan awoke to the soothing sound of a bass voice, echoing throughout the halls. Phil was having his morning shower, before the two headed off to the radio station to prepare for the Monday night radio show. Dan sat on the edge of the bed, and rubbed his eyes gently to wake himself up some more.

He tip toed and stood in front of the bathroom door, knocked twice before greeting Phil with a cheerful, “good morning!” He could hear phil making strange groans, and he knew these weren’t from pleasure. “Phil, you ok in there?”

“I’m ok,” Phil’s voice echoed softly, but he still continued to groan.  
“I’m coming in,” Dan announced, before swinging the door open. He had seen Phil naked plenty of times before, with the awkward hallway runs and accidental walk ins, so Dan knew that Phil should have nothing to be afraid of.

“Dan, please leave,” Phil said. “Like I told you, I’m ok.”

“Is it the marks?”

Phil nodded his head wearily. Without a single moment of hesitation, Dan opened the shower door and turned the taps off thoroughly.

“Dan!”  Phil yelled in an eerily high pitched voice. Dan stood silently, eyeing Phil from top to bottom, and a mischievous smirk paved its way onto his face.

“You’re bigger than I remember.”

Phil turned bright red, and instantaneously lunged forward to push Dan out of the shower, but slipped on the wet floor tiles and landed fittingly into Dan’s arms. Dan helped Phil stand upright before pressing him against the wall, which was still wet from the shower.

“Don’t,” Phil demanded, however it didn’t stop Dan from tracing a soft line from Phil’s neck down his chest to along his base.

“I know you want it as much as I do.”

 _Fuck I do,_ Phil thought to himself before coming to the realisation of his thoughts. 

Phil darted his eyes away as quickly as possible before leaning forward and pecking a small, soft kiss against Dan’s untouched, early morning chapped lips. He pressed his thumb against Dan’s dimple and began pulling him in more passionately, with shorter breaths and rougher hand movements. Dan suddenly found himself in switched positions with Phil who has managed to pin him against the wall. Dan swiftly removed his now damp top, leaving him standing in his dark grey underwear. Phil grazed his hips against Dan’s, enough for both their erections to brush against each other. Dan ran his fingernails against Phil’s inner thigh, causing him to tilt his head and moan, which made it easy for Dan to gain access to Phil’s soft, unscathed neck. He began soft, using his tongue to trace swirls and circles, but quickly became more fervent, pressing harder and biting near Phil’s collarbones and sucking fiercely near his Adam’s apple. Dan removed his lips from Phil’s neck to reveal three purple bruises. He lightly brushed his thumb against them, before kissing them softly.

“They’re the only bruises I want to see on you."

Phil's cheeks flushed a rich rose colour and he shook his head in disgrace. “Dan! We’re supposed to be live on the radio show tonight, I can’t be seen with these on my neck! It’ll be just as bad as last time!” He had a distinct frown upon his face as he exhaled loudly.

“We can cover them up with some concealer, I think Louise left some around the last time her and Zoe came over.” He held Phil’s face in his hands. “But let’s not worry about that just yet, ok?” He pinned both of Phil’s arms on either side of him, and interlocked their fingers together. It seemed somewhat romantic to Phil, but he came back to his senses realising this was Dan who he was dealing with. He tilted his head upwards to allow Dan to continue routine.

“I see your stubble is growing back,” Dan commented, gently licking Phil’s jawline, before planting delicate kisses towards his chin. He bit Phil’s bottom lip, causing him to moan, and in turn opening his mouth. Dan took his opportunity and slid his tongue in slowly. He knew what Phil liked, so he ran his fingers through Phil’s wet, charcoal black hair and tugged firmly. Five words were enough for Phil to fall in love with Dan all over again.

“Tell me you want me.”

Phil stared sternly into Dan’s eyes, which seemed innocent, but also boiling with lust.

“Phil.” The rich chocolate colour in Dan’s eyes began to weaken. Phil knew it he continued this with Dan then he’d be back to square one, sitting on wooden stools at empty bars during early mornings, drowning his feelings for Dan with a bottle vodka and a shot or two or ten of tequila. He’d wander the streets back to the apartment a few hours before sunrise, not without getting chased by men who wanted to smash him for even thinking about the same sex, and receiving unwanted nicknames like “faggot” and “gayboy”. But most importantly, he knew it meant returning home to a distressed Dan, teary eyed with dark circles under his eyes, angry at him for the cuts and bruises and drunken mind he never asked for. All because of Dan. It was Dan who caused him the most pain of all. Five words were enough for Dan's world to crumble entirely around him. 

“I’m sorry Dan, I can’t.”

Because of Dan. He ran as quickly as he could out of Dan’s sight and into the sanctuary of his bedroom, slamming the door shut, and sliding down against the door onto the carpeted floor. _Because of Dan._ He glanced at the bruises and cuts that had not yet healed from the ordeal a few nights ago. He brushed his fingers against the bruises Dan had inflicted on his neck only moments earlier, pressing them lightly. The pain was fresh, but he enjoyed it. He could feel Dan’s lips pressed against them softly, his hands locked into Phil’s. {hil released a miserable sigh, and allowed his face to fall into his hands. He was in love.

 

* * *

 

The ride home from the station was the most awkward yet. Dan watched Phil to continue to stare blatantly out the window to his right, and he knew that it was because he didn't want to make eye contact. Dan's heart sunk deep into his chest knowing he was the reason why. He didn't want Phil to ignore him. He began to think about their encounter in the shower earlier in the morning. He could still taste Phil's lips and feel his fingers rubbing against his naked skin, and the thought gave goosebumps to his pale skin. Thankfully his jacket and jeans kept it all in secret. 

Dan offered the taxi driver 4 ten pound notes to pay for the ride, and insisted he kept the change. Phil had already exited the car and was making his way to the doorway, keys in hand. Dan scurried to Phil's side as they walked up the stairs, 2 at a time. Phil was already halfway through the door when Dan had caught up to him, and Dan knew that if he didn't act now then he'd lose his chance before they'd wake up tomorrow morning. 

"Phil." 

Phil remained silent, ignoring the tall brown haired boy who was now slouched over, overwhelmed in sadness. He walked into the kitchen, grabbed a mug and turned the kettle on. 

"I can make your coffee for you, you can take a seat and relax."

"Thanks," Phil replied, avoiding eye contact. "But I don't need your help." He turned the kettle off and walked into the lounge. 

Dan followed him once more to the lounge room where he shut the door behind him, and towered over Phil who was laying on the couch. 

"For fuck's sake."

Phil raised one eyebrow in Dan's direction, however, continued to ignore him and flicked through channels on the television.

"Don't you dare fucking ignore me!" Dan snatched the remote from Phil before throwing it across the room. 

He plunked himself next to Phil on the edge of the couch before continuing.

“Why the fuck are you doing this? Do you think this is a fucking game?” Phil began to sit upright before Dan stopped him. “No. Continue to lay on your fucking ass and ignore me. Keep acting like I don’t exist to you. Heck, why don’t you just kiss me and pretend like im a fucking piece of trash you can’t wait to throw out. Why do you leave this apartment every night to go for drinks for yourself? Are you even going for drinks?” Dan began blinking rapidly to hold back tears, but they managed to escape in between the cracks in his voice. “Are you seeing someone? Because if you are, tell me. Tell me that you don’t have feelings for me, and I’ll stop flirting with you. I’ll stop trying to take every opportunity to catch your eye. I’ll stop trying to get you along so I can taste the feeling of excitement you bring every time our lips meet. Tell me im not what you’re after and I’ll try and find someone that could be better than the safety and security that your arms bring when you hold me. Phil, tell me I’m not what you want and I’ll move on.”

Phil’s jaw dropped during Dan’s speech, and he quickly shut it. The words ran around his head like a ribbon. Did Dan just confess to having feelings for him?

Dan began to stand up, but instead grabbed Phil’s hand, and squeezed it intently. “Can you at least say something after I poured my heart out to you?” His voice trailed off slowly before Phil spoke.

“Yes.”

“Yes what?”

“Dan, yes. I do. I want you so fucking bad.” Phil said softly.

“Then why do you willingly go out every night and come home drenched in the smell of alcohol?”

“I was trying to get over you.” The words escaped Phil’s mouth and he instantly wanted to take them back.

Dan let go of Phil’s hand and shuffled down the couch. “You, you what?” His eyes hit the ground. So did his heart. He knelt his elbows on his knees and held his face in his hands, and began to cry soundlessly.

“You didn’t let me finish.” Phil grabbed Dan’s hands and forced him to look into his rich blue eyes. “I was trying to get over you because I didn't know how you felt about me. You always played these games. You’d lead me on and for a while, I felt like maybe you did like me. But then you’d turn around and play the fucking dumb card, and you’d act like nothing ever happened between us. You’d kiss me to sleep and then wake up the next morning in the other bed. You’d hug me as a friend but I always saw it as more. You’d talk to me about the beautiful girls and boys you’d see on the tube that day, but my god I wanted you to be all mine. I didn't want anyone else to look at you the way I did.”

Dan never looked away from Phil, and he saw the tears stream down his cheeks and along his jawline. He imagined himself pressing his lips against it softly, doing whatever he could to cheer him up. He quickly snapped out those thoughts when he could physically feel the pain Phil was feelings at that moment.

“Let’s go.” Dan demanded, and immediately dragged Phil to his feet and down the stairs to the apartment entrance.

“Where are you taking me?” Phil asked.

“Shut up,” Dan replied, and cracked a small smile out of the corner of his mouth.

 

* * *

 

"The park always looks prettier at night time, don't you agree?" The two men strolled along the river hand in hand, and Dan couldn't help but add a skip to his step. "Besides the fact I can't tell if the shadow belongs to a tree or a murderer, I find it quite calming." He grabbed both of Phil's hands, and began to dance. Phil smiled at the enthusiasm Dan brought but couldn't help but laugh as Dan stumbled over his two left feet aimlessly, and his attempts to duck under Phil's arm failed as the two were both tall and lanky and had no co ordination at al. 

"You're such an idiot." 

"But I'm you're idiot." Dan gave an obvious wink before continuing to swing his arms around. "Let's sit here." Dan pointed to a bench before sitting down. He patted the space beside him and looked up at Phil. He couldn't help but bite his lip as Phil's hair fell and almost covered his deep blue eyes. He watched as Phil gracefully planted himself closely to Dan, despite the amount of space leftover on the seat. 

"Wanna move over a bit, Phil? I don't think we could be any closer unless you sat completely on my lap." 

Phil snuggled his head into the crest of Dan's neck. "Dan."

"Yeah babe?" Dan said, before reassessing the situation. "Sorry. Yeah, Phil?" 

"Doesn't have the same ring to it, hey, Dan. I mean, babe." 

Dan chuckled and gave Phil a quick kiss on the cheek. "You were saying?"

"Actually, I'm not entirely sure what to say."

"Well, okay then."

"I love you."

Phil stared down at his hands, that seemed to be shaking at an incredible rhythm, almost dancing to a beat, but were coated in fear.  _Fuck,_ Phil thought.  _Why did I say that? It's definitely way too soon to be confessing._

"Phil?" 

Phil snapped back to reality. "Sorry, I zoned out."

"I said, I love you too."

"Wha- really?"

"Of course." Dan wrapped his arms around Phil's neck and pulled him in so they were only centimetres apart. "You're the most incredible thing that's ever happened to me." 

Phil leant in slowly and tilted his head slightly, and waited for his lips to meet Dan's. Dan leant his body away from Phil, teasing him. "Oh, it's not going to be that easy!" He jumped up off the seat and began to jog down the pathway towards the road. Phil chased behind, stopping every few seconds to catch his breath.  _He's such a fucking idiot sometimes._

By the time he caught up to Dan, they were standing outside their apartment entrance. Dan was leant against the door, his legs crossed over in front to him, arms crossed to huddle for warmth. Phil wrapped his arms around Dan's waist, and pulled him close. Their lips collided softly at first, tinted with the cool breeze that surrounded them. The moment their lips lose contact, Dan is still craving, and brings Phil back in for another. Dan holds Phil's face in the palms of his hands before brushing his thumb over the stubble that lined his defined jawline. When they both pulled away, a grin shone upon both their faces. 

"Hey Phil?"

"Yeah babe? Can I call you babe?" Dan asked. 

Phil nodded. 

"I still love you," Phil chuckled.

Dan rolled his eyes and laughed. "It's been five minutes Phil," he exclaimed. 

"I'll tell you a million times if I need to."

Dan placed a final kiss upon Phil's cheek before opening the door and holding it open for his love. 

 

* * *

 

Phil looked at the clock. 

_9:03PM._

It had been 3 months since Phil had left the safety of his home to head down to the closest pub to drown his lips in alcohol and try and forget about the biggest worry in his life, Dan. 

He sat on the end of his bed, laptop in hand, editing the latest video. Dan knocked against the wooden door gently in a fun pattern before entering. "Hi baby."

Phil looked up and smiled as Dan entered with a box of pizza and a cup of coffee in either hand. He exhaled a sincere  _aww_ before shuffling over to allow Dan to sit comfortably on the bed as well.  _  
_

Dan rested his head against Phil's thigh and ran his fingers through his hair. "So."

Phil began playing with Dan's hair, and traced lines against Dan's bare skin along his waist. "So," his voice trailed off. 

"I love you Phil."

 _I'll never get tired of hearing Dan say those words,_ Phil sighed. "Love you too." He replied. "So, what do you want to do tonight? We can watch some new anime, or go see a movie, or we cou-"

"Can we stay here?" Dan asked. "And cuddle, maybe? We don't even need to cuddle. I kinda just want to be with you right now."

"Is everything ok?" Phil asked, a hint of concern in his voice. 

"It is now," Dan replied, wrapping his arms around Phil's waist and pulling him so they were skin to skin. 

The two layed together for hours, rolling around in the bed, changing positions, and just making small chat in between kisses, and for once, Phil was happy to be awake so late at night thinking about rich chocolate eyes, ruffled brown hair almost kissed by the sun, and pale skin that glistened at the slightest touch. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> ok i hope you guys enjoyed it, let me know if you want more!  
> i really enjoy writing about dan and phil, so feel free to leave prompts in the comments and kudos, or tweet me on twitter @ twinklyhowell if you have any suggestions thanks so much :)


End file.
